Five Modern Uses of the Armpit

Thursday, June 16 2005


1. Surrogate Avian or Reptilian Nest
Gently place an egg in each open armpit. Close armpit by lowering arm. For avian eggs, open armpit and rotate egg every six hours for 3 weeks. Reptilian eggs need not be rotated. Hatch animal, feed liberally, eat.

2. Braiding Practice
Many common braids can be mastered using an armpit. Extend arm towards the ceiling. Start with the most common three grouping braid, and continue on to advanced braids such as the Indonesian Tribal Wedding braid practiced in Portugal. When finished practicing, lower arm to cover armpit. Consider selling braids at the swap meet.

3. Shammy
When washing fine automobiles and racing motorcycles, water spots will occur if after the final rinse of an eight step process the water droplets are not buffed away with a shammy. To use your armpit as a shammy, lift one arm and place armpit on the subject vehicle. Using wide circular motions, buff the water droplets away. To extend the life of your armpit, allow to dry over night before the next use.

4. Mobile Phone Holder
Take a modern mobile phone and position it in the middle of the open armpit. Close armpit to neatly stow mobile phone until ready for use. Placing your phone in silent mode is effective, as the human armpit is sensitive to tactile stimulus.

5. Turn Signals
This exercise requires armpit modification. Be warned that only the dedicated user of the armpit should attempt using their armpits as turn signals. Start by extending arms towards the ceiling. Spray armpits with a solution of lemon juice and common Hydrogen Peroxide. Do not drink. Let solution soak into your armpits for nine hours. Do not lower arms.

Once dry you may begin to use your armpits as turn signals. To do so, ride a bicycle to the mall. On your way, signal your desire to change lanes or make turns by repeatedly lifting your arm towards the ceiling and using rapid motion to simulate the blinking of a light. For left turns, use your left armpit. For right turns, use your right armpit. Repeat as needed.