collusioni.st

Take This Important Survey

Tuesday, June 14 2005

Are you a weblog author. Excellent – take this survey. If you need convincing, here are several well crafted marketing calls to action that should motivate you:

For the intellectual types:
“Taking this survey will further the development of an authoritative guide on communication surrounding weblogs.”

For frat boys:
“The results of this survey will be used to teach you how to earn Abercrombie and Fitch gift certificates, free hair product for the long and messy but smelling nice and clean look, perfect abs and huge pecs, and the most important of all, how to attract all the ladies.”

For parents of estranged teenage children:
“By taking this survey, you’ll help build a guide on how to better communicate with your troubled teen by opening up channels of discussion guided by love and understanding. The results will also help you understand the new Goth attire your child is wearing, and will help you learn to embrace defeatism as a means of survival. With the facts learned, your child will have no choice but to always agree with everything you say, because you will be right 100% of the time.”

For people who don’t care:
“Take this survey.”

For people who care about privacy and are scared of big business:
“This survey stabs a dagger right into the heart of corporate America and their mind controlling marketing departments and gives you a one more reason to grow a crazy ass beard!”

For people with peg legs:
“This survey will chase the phantom pains away.”

For people who make Lemon Pie:
“Taking this survey will encourage people to buy lemon pie more often on Thursday nights. Statistically speaking, Thursday night is the night of the week where lemon pie sales, specifically, are the slowest.”

For goats:
“End the oppression. Take back your rightful place in the animal kingdom. Stop being forced into the mountains where you’re left no choice but to give birth to your kids on rocky faces. Take this survey and every last human on the planet will be forced into your servitude.”

For bus drivers with eye patches:
“This survey will teach people to respect you, and not be subconsciously motivated to tell you pirate jokes. And you’ll lose the leg cramps you get while sleeping.”

That should cover everyone. Cameron is so going to graduate now!