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From Flu to Festivus

Wednesday, March 23 2005

Number of Times I’ve had the flu in a Super Bad kinda way: 2
Number of Times I’ve had the flu in the same season as getting a flu shot: 2

I’m not going to listen to anyone anymore about whether or not flu shots are good or bad or harmless because they don’t contain live cultures or whatever. My record is pretty consistent, and I think I’m going to fend for myself and stick with plain old superstition next time.

When I arrived home from SXSW, both kids were infected with the Super Bad virus, the one that makes them deposit stomach packages all over the place and turns them into radiant heaters. They even had tip over alarms that took advantage of eons of genetic evolution, instilling intense desire in their parents to right them again so they wouldn’t burn up the floor.

Leah literally didn’t move for an entire day. We set her on the floor in front of the TV, and she remained in whatever pose we put her in (bedsore avoidance – can’t be too cautious) until we picked her up to put her in bed later that night. Jonas, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy puking, which is hardly a surprise. What he truly doesn’t enjoy is getting new teeth, which he transitioned to from puking without wasting a breath.

Once the kids were done Exorcising whatever we put in them I thought we were all clear. Then I got it, again. I say again because nearly the same thing happened a week or two before SXSW.

I lost 10 pounds in 24 hours. Picture me then think of the horror of ten less pounds. I always figured my bones made up the majority of my weight with my eyes and teeth making up the rest, but apparently my guts can shrink up into my rib cage in rapid order if persuaded by the Super Bad kinda flu.

Now picture me as George Costanza’s father at the Festivus dinner table, aluminum pole in hand. Imagine there’s a human sized syringe at the table. If you know anything about Festivus, you know that after I scream my head off and air my grievances with the flu shot, I’ll challenge it to a feat of strength in which I’ll pin it to the ground and break it right in half. Now you know how serious I am.