I Save the Town From Utter Destruction.

Wednesday, February 18 2004

I mowed my lawn today for the first time since we’ve lived here. And when I say today, I mean yesterday, because what was just recently Wednesday is now Thursday.

I also bought my first lawnmower ever. At the end of a rolled steel handlebar is a little cube of a machine that has the power of six horses. I have a stampede ready in the tool shed.

This was all a very sudden decision though not an impulsive one. I was working away in the home office on Tuesday, and looked up from my work and out the window and I saw some dude in a green mini-van taking a photograph of my house. He was just sitting there, camera pointed right at me, taking a picture. No doubt I was quick enough to present my best side, but a troubling cloud continued to hang over me after he finished. Was this the evil HOA coming to catch me in my lawn neglect? Indeed, the lawn had yellowed. Before this peeper had taken a picture, I was in lawn neglect heaven. I was happy about having no motivation whatsoever to cut my lawn.

So, wanting to get that monkey off my back, I bought a lawn mower and I cut my lawn, and then fertilized with one thousand year old Columbia River salmon.

So take that HOA Nazi (I mean that with the least amount of respect, I utterly despise HOAs). He’s going to show up to an HOA meeting with four foot printouts of my lawn, and there will be this deafening uproar of gasps and thuds as old women faint.

But then, a little girl with red hair will say “But wait! That’s not the same lawn I see every day! That lawn is vibrant, full of life, and fit for the finest of lawn sports, such as lawn bowling and lawn darts. You’re mean man!”

The HOA meeting will empty onto the streets, marching to my lawn, and all will gasp once again, only this time, because the little girl was right.