Termites & Horse Ants

Monday, March 31 2003

Termites eat through wood 2 times faster when listening to rock music.

Horse ants (a term I use to describe the monster ants in my house) run easily five times as fast in a completely haphazard fashion when you do little more than touch them. You might not ever think this about ants, but ants are hypocrits

. They feel it’s fine to waltz all about your house going about their business, possibly even walking on your face in your sleep, picking are your fillings because we all know ants like shiny things, but when you touch them, they flip out. If you listen close, you can hear them screaming bloody murder about the unfairness of being disturbed by something. They gnash their teeth, spaz violently, and get all freaked out and crazy.

I want the ants to chill. Quit being such wusses. Get the hell out of my house, and quit trying to manipulate me with their tantrums. “Boo hoo, you disturbed me, now I’m going to run like a wild mustang and possibly maybe even fly uncontrollably off this counter top, and then won’t you feel like a jerk!”

A lot of people who have seen the ants suggest two things: 1. They’re forrest ants that like to eat wood, which means they’re eating my house [which I could care less about, because it’s really an apartment] and 2. They were here first, so really, they’re justified in freaking out. I say poo to number 2. I’m a human, and a polite human at that, but they’ve had that forest for millions of years, it’s time to share, or actually, just give it to me because I’m the boss.

And thus, my manifesto to the horse ants: Play nice, quit being babies, or I will take to killing you. As of yet, I’ve only expiremented with one of your gimpy looking friends, who you probably made fun of a lot anyhow because of his funny gait. He survived three days of being trapped under a cup which I had to trap him in when I realized that repeatedly rolling a highlighter over him over and over again made him severely pissed off. When he pushed the pen back to me, I realized he had freakish strength, and for the good of man and ant alike, needed imprisonment of the most secure kind. I will not spare you as I spared him if you don’t stop freaking out and walking about my house like drunken party guests. I have a hammer, and I will smash you with it, even though your bodies will make huge messes. I will not poison you like a coward, I will fight you face to face before I first use the meat tenderizer side that, because of its peaks and valleys might spare you for a moment, but then I’ll flip it around and show you who’s boss.